The Great Panda Oneshot Machine
by Nowhereland
Summary: Join Sichuan and her siblings on their adventures as the provinces of China in oneshots. Updated when NOBODY is not being a lazy ape.
1. The Art Camp

**The Art Camp**

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"And that is how creativity works in your gigantic brain that runs on 12 watts!" Sichuan sat there doodling little flowers in the sketchbook that she had been given, half-listening to her sister Anhui go on and on about creativity and art and a load of other crap.

"Sichuan!"

Her name echoed around the walls of the lecture room and she jumped, covering up her doodles quickly with one hand. "Um, yes?"

"You are magnificent! Doodling is something that helps you memorize things and people usually say that doodling is a load of manure, but it actually helps your brain to focus and that is why you should always doodle whenever you can! Ahaha!" Anhui winked and held up her doodles for all to see. Sichuan groaned and covered her face with her hands. Even though her sister and America had basically no contact at all, they acted similarly. She had always assumed that it was a freak of nature.

She heard someone giggle. "I think your doodles are very pretty, Sichuan!" Hainan. The youngest province so far, and a very annoying (but cute) little brother.

"Be quiet, Hainan," she muttered, wondering if she could smash her head against the table to make her gigantic brain that ran on 12 watts all smushed up.

"Anyways, this lecture is over so we're going to go to the classroom to do stuff." There was a collective groan and she heard her siblings stand up, gathering their stuff.

"This is a horrible idea, letting Anhui be the 'teacher'," murmured Qinghai, Sichuan's best friend, neighbor and sister as they walked back to the classroom.

"Yeah," she agreed. "She's sort of insane."

"Sort of?" Qinghai scoffed. "Are you kidding me? She's downright crazy. I don't know how her citizens are so normal and she's so weird."

"But she does have a lot of history. Well, just like the rest of us," she muttered, reflecting over her twenty-five hundred years.

As they reached the classroom (it was completely empty and had no furniture), Anhui was already sitting on the floor so they went ahead and did that as well. "Alright! Today, we will be wrecking your sketchbooks!"

There was complete silence.

"What?"

"But-"

"This is a great book!"

"What does this have to do with creativity and art?"

"Silence!" Slowly, the provinces settled down but with confused/disgruntled looks. "You'll do as I say because Dad told you guys to listen to me."

"And okay. So, you have thirty seconds to do each task and you have to do it. Turn to a new page."

The rustle of pages was heard.

"Use a pencil to punch holes in the page."

The sound of pencils-punching-holes-in-paper was heard.

Stuff was heard.

More stuff was heard.

"Set a new page on fire!"

Fire was heard.

Something was heard.

_Maybe I judged this program too quickly,_ thought Sichuan as she gleefully watched the flames devour her page.

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	2. The Campfire

**_China - _Thank you for the review! NOBODY and his slaves-er, citizens appreciate the suggestions and support! Ever since the Muse of Nowhere saw your review, he has been bouncing off the walls of Nowhereland and foaming ideas at the mouth.**

**The Campfire**

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"Once upon a time, there was a very wise and old environmentalist called Asia," began Guizhou. The provinces were sitting around a campfire on logs in a forest, drinking cups of tea or doing something else like roasting marshmallows. "He had a literal heart of gold that spread love and the beauty of nature whenever it pumped blood through his old and wise body. Asia lived in a magical universe where his type of magic was forbidden; the world was consumed with poison and black magic (courtesy of a certain Western nation far away).

One day, he was having a picnic with his disciples and his disciples' disciples up high in the mountains; the last true paradise of the world. The sky was blue, the sun smiled down upon them, and overall it didn't look like the venomous place that the rest of their home was.

Then-"

"-grandpa Asia got decked out with techno robot equipment and he flew to outer space," Shanghai finished, staring down at the glowing white screen of his iPhone 5s.

"No, that's not how the story goes!" argued Yunnan, slamming his mug down on the ground. "England's black magic reached the mountains and Grandpa fought them off-"

"Guys, this isn't even real," Jiangxi tried to reason, wrapping her hands around her porcelain teacup. "Why don't we make it like those add on stories where we all make it up as we go?"

"Alright," agreed Guangxi. She glanced at Guizhou, who looked slightly miffed at having her story interrupted. "Guizhou, do you want to start us up again?"

Guizhou smiled at her sister gratefully. "Sure. Okay, so they're on a mountain having a picnic when..."

"...a cuddly little panda appeared from the forest!" Sichuan said with a smile, cuddling her own panda named Mahjong.

"Then, it started to rain a whole bunch and it ruined their picnic," added Hainan.

"Grandpa then got really mad and started yelling at the sky even though he knew it would do no good, and all of his disciples and his disciples' disciples just stared at him as he appeared to go bonkers," Tianjin put in cheerfully.

"The police decided to pay a visit and they found out that he was yelling at the sky which was totally illegal and stuff, so they arrested him and told him that he would need to pay a fifteen hundred yuan fine!" Hunan all but yelled.

"I think we should start a new story," Beijing observed, pushing up his glasses nonchalantly.

"How about this: what if the rise of Egypt involved television?" suggested Shanghai.

His siblings smiled, amused, at the thought of Mother Egypt becoming famous because of television.

"Once upon a time, Mother Egypt discovered an amazing thing through a prophet-television. She decided that she would base her nation on television, which she called TV for short," Qinghai began, eating chips.

"She first experimented with many different ways to build a TV."

"Then finally her prophet told her exactly how to build it."

"Mother Egypt then sent out a quest to collect the items for a TV!"

"And after a long time, the quest party returned with all the stuff."

"She quickly got to work building the very first television in 3000 BC."

"After a long and grueling time, she finally built it!"

"She set up a factory and made a bunch of TVs."

"Mother Egypt then broke out of her isolation."

"She started selling TVs to Mesopotamia and other Ancients."

"Therefore, she had a great civilization and then other nations got jealous, invaded her, and the Egyptian empire thing ended."

"And modern Egypt was born!" crowed Hubei.

"Hey, Tianjin, be careful because your painting is too-"

There was a whoosh as the aforementioned painting caught on fire.

"-close to the fire...never mind."

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	3. The Schwa Effect 1

**Alright. NOBODY is not going to make excuses for his delay in updating because he knows and you know that he procrastinated too even if his muse REALLY didn't give any good ideas. So, he apologizes and hopes that he can stop being a lazy butt (that's not what he said but this is supposed to be rated K+). **

**China - Thank you for reviewing! NOBODY, owner of Nowhereland and overly discrete yawner, apologize profusely to you for being lazy and not updating. NOBODY really appreciates your suggestions and got a warm and fuzzy feeling inside when he checked his email for the first time in ten days and saw the review. If he procrastinates again, he gives you his permission to slap him and string him up by his thumbs, keeping him hostage until he decides to finally write...And yes, fire is a recurring theme but there will be a reason for that...at least NOBODY thinks so...and he's evilly cackling right now.**

**The Schwa Effect**

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"Hey, you know that one book called 'The Schwa Was Here'?" Beijing suddenly asked one day, staring at his place of roasted duck.

It was unusual for him to simply stare at his favorite dish rather than wolf it down one after another and Shanghai had been getting worried. They were at the most expensive roasted duck restaurant in his brother's home and frankly, if Beijing didn't eat what they had ordered then it was a waste of money.

But here he was, talking about one of America's books that Shanghai had read once and stored away to collect dust in his mental library.

He vaguely remembered something about a boy that was almost never noticed. "Yes, I do...though I have not read it in a very long time. Why do you ask?"

Beijing shrugged. "Canada and a few of his provinces seem to have the Schwa effect."

Canada? That named sounded very familiar for some reason. Was it one of the European nations that were not very important and nestled between bigger, stronger countries? Or was it a province from England?

Finally, he gave up: "Who is that?"

Beijing stared at him oddly. "You know...Canada? The country that's on top of America..." He paused, listening to his words. "That doesn't sound right. I mean, the country that some of our people migrate to if they're not going to the United States? Well, I probably shouldn't be too surprised because he seems to have something like the Schwa effect since almost nobody notices him or some of his provinces unless someone mentions him or something.

I almost forgot him for a second there too, because honestly even though he has an easy name to remember he's overshadowed by America and I got sidetracked, aru!" His regional accent got stronger as he rambled on. "And seriously, he's the second biggest nation only behind R-russia, aru!

You would think they would remember the second biggest country in the world or he would be third if Antarctica was a country, aru, because she's not a country, she's a continent and she doesn't have any kids so she hasn't been invaded by-"

"ENOUGH!" Shanghai roared, finding it too much. He got some stares from other customers and dirty looks from the waiters but he didn't have time to care about them right now.

He took a deep breath. "I am sorry. If you continued to go on you know what would have happened." He would have started to insult every person around them to the point of crying. "I believe I understand who Canada is now. Please get to your point."

Beijing shrugged. "Okay. I'm just going to give you the summary of 'The Schwa Was Here' just so you can remember what happened." He rummaged through his bag to look for the sticky note. "Alright. The book focuses around Antsy Bonano and Calvin Schwa.

Antsy is fascinated by Calvin's ability to go unnoticed unless he does drastic things. He dubs it the Schwa effect. Then a girl happens and it ends on a happy note. Now," he said, putting the note away, "I think Canada and his provinces have an ability like that and I want you to help me go investigate."

He calmly began wolfing down his duck (finally).

Shanghai stared at his brother incredulously but found that talking to him did not make a single difference and he gave up. After all, Beijing usually knew what he was doing.

Usually.

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The airplane growled lowly as it prepared to take flight. Shanghai sat at the window seat, staring at the polluted grey sky. He had been to America and Canada before on business trips, but he knew what to expect then.

Now, he had no clue what he should do when he saw Canada and the provinces that Beijing claimed had the Schwa effect. Shanghai was a very technical person and he had had no preparation at all for this trip.

Beijing had called Canada shortly after lunch the next day, saying that they were visiting to investigate their unnoticability-was that even a word? He had no clue. Then his reckless brother that never planned anything bought their flight tickets, left a note to China that said: "Daddy: Going to Canada for a day or so. Don't worry. Love you. -Beijing and Shanghai". Shanghai didn't know why the capital insisted on calling their father 'Daddy' still; and he didn't think he would know very soon.

Then Beijing had set his sticky note containing the summary for "The Schwa Was Here" on fire. Shanghai still didn't know why, and he was starting to wonder if aliens had kidnapped the Beijing he knew.

Oh boy. This was going to be a mess. He just knew it.

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	4. The Schwa Effect 2

**hetaliamongul123 - Thank you for reviewing! NOBODY is fluttering about because senpai noticed them. You write the most beautiful things and NOBODY is a big fan of your work! NOBODY has just realized that it sounds like they are saying 'no one likes your stories' but it is merely an unfortunate choice of name on NOBODY's part when in fact everyone loves your stuff! 谢谢!~**

**Anon - Thank you for reviewing! NOBODY thinks that it's a great plot too, and they also love The Schwa Effect! **

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**The Schwa Effect 2**

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Shanghai felt his stomach drop as the airplane descended. He gripped the armrests tightly and closed his eyes. Even though he'd been on dozens of planes, he still hated the change in pressure that he was feeling.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Ottawa International Airport. Local time is one in the afternoon and the temperature is seven below zero, or nineteen degrees Fahrenheit. Please remain seated until the captain turns off the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you require..." The monotonous drone of the flight attendant's voice went on, but Shanghai had stopped listening a long time ago.

Beijing peered out the window. "Looks nice."

It did not, in fact, look nice to Shanghai. The sky was blanketed with a linty grey, and there was no sign of the sun anywhere. The grey buildings only added to the gloomy disposition of the city.

"I thought North America was sunny," he muttered. He already had to deal with pollution and smoggy skies. It felt like fifty years since he had last seen the sun.

Beijing shrugged. "At least it's slightly sunnier than my place."

That was true. Beijing's skies were getting darker and murkier because of air pollution. They were worse than Shanghai's skies. To him, this was probably as close to a clear sky as he could get.

Shanghai sighed and started gathering his stuff. "So why are we here again?"

"To mooch pancakes off of Canada."

Shanghai stopped.

"What?"

"To...mooch pancakes off of Canada."

"B-but you told-you said, the Schwa Effect-?"

"Oh, that was just to make you go along with it. It was to make it seem, you know, scholarly."

There was a long pause.

"So...we're only here to mooch pancakes off of Canada."

"And to flirt with B.C."

"You-B.C.? What?"

"B.C. British Columbia. You know, the cute girl that likes gardening?"

"I know-of _course_ I know British Columbia-I'm not an idiot! What-"

"Sirs?"

The flight attendant was standing at their row, smiling patiently. "If you would care to leave the plane...?"

Shanghai glanced around. The plane was completely empty, other than Shanghai, Beijing and the flight attendant.

"Yes, yes, of course, thank you..." Shanghai hurriedly gathered his stuff as he glared pointedly at his brother to do the same. They scuttled out into the aisle and made their way out of the airplane, nodding to the other flight attendant standing at the exit.

The two provinces walked briskly along the terminal, Beijing calmly and Shanghai seething with a mixture of fury and confusion and maybe a bit of fear.

Had Beijing finally cracked after his three-thousand years of history? But there had been nothing to trigger such a breakdown. Maybe one of Russia's provinces had been giving him too much vodka? Maybe the vodka was laced with drugs! Maybe there was a secret conspiracy among Russia's provinces to make their way and take over China, starting with Beijing by making him insane. Shanghai's eyes widened comically and he started to hyperventilate.

Somehow, they'd gotten past all of the security checks and paperwork things without Shanghai noticing. They were at the place to hail taxis to their destination. Beijing was nonchalantly getting into a rounded yellow cab.

"What-?" The saner province decided to ask questions later and got into the taxi, hauling his heavy backpack onto his lap with a grunt. His brother was in the front seat chatting with the driver, a balding, wispy man wearing terribly outdated clothes with a rainbow tattooed on his left arm.

"So how long have you lived in Ottawa?" Beijing asked, his accent rounding his words slightly. Shanghai tried to appreciate to the classical music that was playing on his iPod but it was extremely difficult to focus with the other two talking so loud and the loud, sloppy heavy metal blasting from the radio. Shanghai was _not_ a fan of rock.

"Oh, thirty years, maybe. I was born in Newfoundland and Labrador and I moved here when I married Andrina. That is, my wife. We have a lovely house..." The driver's voice droned on, talking about irrelevant and boring things. Shanghai closed his eyes and turned the Chopin up, trying to drown out all other noises.

"_Holy iguana-eating taco!"_

Shanghai's eyes flew open at this, just in time to see a flying snake soar across the sky. It was burning and writhing about as it sailed away into the nearby trees.

He was officially done.

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